The Adventures of Mari Suu in Sohma Land
by Killed for Art's Sake
Summary: PARODY: When Mari Suu, an exchange student, enters the Sohma household, the fate of canon as we know it hangs in the balance! Oh noes!


The Adventures of Mari Suu in Sohma Land 

Mari Suu was in Japan and she was gorgeous.

She had been chosen as the most intelligent (and beautiful, but there aren't awards for that) member of her class, and therefore was allowed to leave her cozy home in the United States and spend the year in Japan, rising and washing and eating and converting oxygen to carbon dioxide with a real, genuine, super secret special surprise, Japanese family. Upon pulling away from the airport in one of those nifty luxury limos, she pressed her delicately manicured hands over her mouth and giggled a little "teehee," as opposed to giggling a "HOOHAH" or a "Turkish Delight!"

But wait!

Shouldn't we know how beautiful our protagonist is?

Mari had long, flowing locks of neon pink hair, yet her bangs were black and silver at the edges. Her orbs were a sparkling amethyst, and they hung from a chain on her bracelet, which makes sense because that's where jewels belong. Her eyes, on the other hand, were black (what?) with turquoise specks and could hypnotize just about any gaze they met, sort of like Medusa, I suppose. She had fair skin that never burned nor chapped, and large, luscious pink lips. She wasn't too tall or too short, and her voice was as enticing as a Siren's. Greek mythology aside, Mari was an impressive girl and is actually worthy of about five-hundred more words of description, but the plot beckons, or something like that.

Mari, despite her beautiful and good-natured exterior, had a secret, which shouldn't have surprised any of you (but may we pretend?)

For one reason or another, whenever she hugged a member of the opposite gender, she turned into a unicorn.

No, I'm not lying. A unicorn.

A good number of people (under the age of six) would be content to turn into a unicorn, but Mari had her doubts. She didn't want to be different from her peers; she wanted to blend in like a needle in a needle factory (but still remain blissfully unique and wonderful.) In order to fend against her angst, she decided to fight crime and the forces of evil. After all, it's the most logical thing to do when born with a genetic, yet slightly magical, defect. Sure, unicorns may not look all that menacing, but they have an awfully pointy appendage sticking out of their foreheads. Mari, being the talented girl/unicorn she was, kicked ass enough times to rival the main characters in Dragonball Z, but looked much prettier when she did it.

She pined that somehow, oh _somehow_, she would meet someone in Japan who truly understood her unique, mythological quadruped induced problem.

But really, enough about her history. Shall we commence? I think we shall.

Mari exited from the limo and gave the driver a quick, seductive wink, and then walked out into oncoming traffic.

Well, if you could call it oncoming traffic. The only car on the road was a small, black Toyota, but it hit her anyway, this being a universe powered by bad luck and character abuse.

"Oh my God!" A brunette flipped open the car door and hopped out to survey the wreckage and the bleeding ( yet still stunningly beautiful) Mari. "Shigure! Yuki!" She cried out, her already large eyes widening and threatening to slip off the sides of her face. "We've hit someone! Oh my God, we've hit someone!" She proceeded to flail her arms around in a sort of panic. Yuki, wanting to stop Tohru from hyperventilating, also stumbled out.

Still behind the wheel, Shigure casually rolled down the window and peered out. "Oh? We did, didn't we?"

With a sigh, Yuki nudged Mari's limp hand with his foot.

"Yuki!" Tohru cried, her eyes expanding to the size of softballs. "You c-can't, I mean...it's not n-nice to...to hit her! We need to get her to a hospital!"

"It's no problem," said Yuki, smiling at Tohru. "No problem at all. You see, she's a Mary Sue, so I'm afraid she won't be dying for a very long time." He rolled her over and lifted her blood soaked body onto his back. "Though we should move her away, before she starts affecting the balance of canon."

"Too late for that, Yuki," said Shigure, finally making his way out of the car. "She's on your back and you didn't transform." His eyes wandered to the unconscious pink-haired girl. "Hey, isn't she our new exchange student?"

Tohru, excited that she'd be sharing the house with another girl (and we can do nails, and make up, and watch Gravitation, and...), clasped her hands together in joy, while Yuki let Mari go.

She hit the ground with the most delightful, extraordinary thud ever heard.


End file.
